Podcast · Polyamory

I’m Just Emotionally Promiscuous, Yall: My Journey to Non-Monogamy

A ramble into how I recognized that I was, indeed, non-monogamous – even though it should have been hella obvious. This is a very, very high overview into this, because I’ll be discussing different aspects of my journey and things I learned more specifically/in depth in episodes to come.


0:00: [Sunny Dee Theme Plays]

0:10: Dee: Hey y’all. What’s up everybody, Welcome to Sunny Dee! Very first episode. Are we excited or what? We are excited. This is Sunny Dee: The Ponderings of a Black, Polyamorous, Pansexual, Polymath. Those are a lot of p-words because I like alliteration. So, basically, this is a podcast about things that I like to talk about, which are: relationships, relationshipping, tea [chuckles knowingly], intersectionality, nerdy things, we’re gonna talk about all of that shit. So, let’s get on with the show and our first couple segments before we get into the main episode. 

0:56: [Sunny Dee Theme Plays]

0:59: And today on “What’s the Tea?” [laughs] 

So, this is the segment where I just talk about tea because I love tea, like, a whole lot. Yeah, most people who know me know that I love tea, so, y’all be ready for this almost every time. we gon waste time talking about tea. And I want these episodes to be like 45 minutes, but they gon probably be more like an hour ’cause I’m probably gon spend ‘bout 15 minutes alone talking about tea. Today’s tea, that I’m currently drinking, right now, as, [pause to sip tea], oh that’s good, as we have this podcast, the current tea that I’m drinking is damiana and, since this podcast is releasing on Valentine’s Day, is that right? IS this releasing on Valentine’s Day? Yes, Valentine’s Day is on a Monday. Damn, I guess it’s good that it’s COVID times ’cause Valentine’s Day on a Monday usually would, you know, kind of suck ‘cause you can’t celebrate right on Valentine’s. I mean, you could, but could you, like, really go out and enjoy yourself? Doesn’t matter. So, for y’all people who do celebrate Valentine’s Day, it’s Valentine’s Day, yay! And I’m gonna talk about damiana tea, which is very tasty. 

2:34: So, Damiana is a herb from the- a shrub that’s native to central South America, it was used by the indigenous people there as an aphrodisiac [haha haha], see what I did there because it’s Valentine’s Day? So, their tea consisted of the leaves of the plant and some sugar and then when the Europeans came, colonized, when the colonizers came, of course they discovered a drink, and they expanded it across the world. In 1875, actually, damiana tea was introduced in the U.S. by some dude who used it and promoted it as a sexual tonic and then, after that, the herb was introduced in, like, products, like drinks and wafers and shit ’cause who don’t want a sexual tonic? People is always, clearly, looking for something to up their sex drive. So, the story of me and this tea, I actually heard about this tea from this cutie I had a crush on. I met them in an online polyamory group a few years ago and when, so, when we’re not in a panini, I put on a lot of tea-focused events ’cause I love tea: I have, like, an Annual Mad Hatter’s Tea Party, I have group outings to different tea houses in the area and, one summer, I finally got the courage to invite them to one of these group tea outings. I felt it was a really, like, low gauge or a low-stakes way to gauge interest and, from that hangout, I discovered that they also love tea more than a normal amount, which is great, and we talked about tea during that event, and we kept up a slow, like, you know, steady kind of virtual conversation in the weeks afterwards. And then, a few months later, they wanted to go to RennFest or wanted somebody to go with them to RennFest and, since I buy a multi-pass to RennFest every year, I volunteered to take them to RennFest ’cause they, like, needed a ride and also didn’t wanna go by themselves. While we’re in the car, they mentioned that there’s this tea that they really, really love, and they always get it at RennFest because they always had it in this specific shop, and they were able to pick up a good supply of it because they always had it in stock. And they would tell me about how it tastes and all the different properties of it and, yeah. And when they were there, they got some of it- it was damiana. And the next time I had a tea party at my house, I invited them to it, and they gifted me a fair amount of damiana tea leaves, and it was so good. It’s so good, y’all. 

5:41: Also, you’d think, after this story, this is the start of some romantic tale where two folks who love tea bond over their love of tea and fall in love with each other. That’s not what happened. [laughs] You would think it happened, with the casual exchange of aphrodisiacs, right? Nah, it did not, it did not. I’m not really good at being bold in my interest plus, you know, I might have been teetering on the edge of relationship saturation at the time, so nothing came out of it other than, you know, a pretty good acquaintanceship and my appreciation of damiana tea. So, first of all, it’s naturally sweet, it’s cool. I like teas that kind of have, like, a little sweet tinge on them without adding any sweetener ’cause I tend not to add sweeteners in my tea. This is also a herbal tea, so it has kind of that herbal-ish, I don’t know how to explain it, like herbal teas sometimes have, like, this back flavor. This aftertaste of herb, of green, you know, depending on what kind of tea, herbal tea, it is. If it’s actually made from herbs. So, sort of sweet, slightly minty, but not quite, and, also, it tastes, like, woody. Kind of like how lemongrass has that, kind of, almost sort of woody taste to it or licorice. It’s like a strong taste, but it does not taste bad. As a aphrodisiac, does it work? I don’t know, how about you give it a try and find out. It’s pretty good to me, it works pretty good for me, but, you know, a bitch be horny, so [laughs]. I don’t know if I’mma keep that one in there but [laughs].

A mess.

7:46: [Sunny Dee Theme Plays]

7:50: We have “Rae’s Rants and Raves”. 

What am I thinking about? What am I raving about? What am I ranting about? Is today a rant or a rave? Today is a rave. So, this will probably be old news by the time this is released, but Zendaya and Tom Holland have bought their first home together. Now, first of all, let me say that whenever I saw them interact in different interviews and shit, I was wondering. I was wondering if they was a couple- I don’t really follow celebrities like that, so they might have had, like, some kind of press release or some tabloids said it or, you know, the general population that’s not me found out a while ago- may have found out a while ago, they may have came public with it, whatever. I didn’t know, and I would look at these interviews and be like, “Are they, like, together or are they, just, really good friends?” Because I be acting the way that they do in the interviews with my friends. It’s just more of that I noticed that they had a really cute, it was, just, a really cute, close, connected, very sweet interactions, very sweet bond. They were just so nice to each other and so loving and affectionate, and I was just like this is so cute, I love it. And then, I read online today that they bought their first home together and, guys, I’m going to cry. That is so adorable, that’s so adorable, these babies. And they look so good together, they just look so loving, and I hope they last like, seriously. I really don’t be on celebrity couples like that, but I really hope this one lasts because they are so cute. I love Tom Holland, I love Zendaya and, yeah, I just hope that they keep being they goofy ass selves and love each other for a very long time. And even if they don’t stay together in a romantic relationship, that they stay together as, like, friends, as close friends. They’re just so adorable, they’re so adorable. Who knows, I don’t even know if they really are together. I mean, not really are, I don’t really know if they are romantically together because you could buy homes with somebody that you not romantic with but, you know, whatever they are, I love it. I love to see it; I love their cuteness together and yeah. Congrats to them.

10:17: [Sunny Dee Theme Plays]

10:21: Here we go, into the meat of the episode. 

I wanted to talk about my personal journey into non-monogamy, specifically my personal journey into relationship anarchy which, if you read my blog, I feel like you can be monogamous and a relationship anarchist, but that’s neither here nor there. So, picture it: Sicily [laughs], I’m a mess. But, no, seriously. So, when I was in middle school, there were these two dudes that I liked, and, you know what? Am I going to use people’s real names? I will use their real names, you know, who knows these people. Whatever. Alright, so: when I was in middle school, I had a crush, I had two crushes- Josh and Junior. And they were great, both of them were super cool, and I remember mentioning it to one of my friends, and she was like, “You can’t have two crushes.” I said, “Why not?” She said, “That’s, ‘cause you can’t, so you have to pick one.” Alright, so, because I am who I am: a person who has mostly Capricorn in her chart, and the other planets are mostly Earth signs, with a little bit of fire and the tiniest bit of wat-, just, one water in there, I made a list. I made a list of both of their pros and cons, and, it turned out, at the end, they both had the same amount of pros and cons. So, what did I do? I just said, well, I guess I can’t pick, and I continued to have a crush on both of them. I can’t remember if I told them or not. I feel like, if I told them, they would have just been like, “Whatever, Dee”, because we was in middle school. Also, they were my friends, and I’m pretty sure I never told them, but I just kept having a crush on them. Whatever. 

12:20: And then, throughout high school, I kind of had, like, not necessarily always consensual [chuckle] non-monogamous relationships where I dated somebody and, they were long distance, and, so, I dated other people. A couple of times it was consensual where they knew that we were both dating other folks, and other times it wasn’t, I just did it, you know, because yeah. Ok, and so, then, my senior year of high school, I didn’t have a partner at the time, but I did have my best friend, and she was dating this dude. Oh, so, but I went to this school, and it was basically a school for geeks. It was on a college campus, a high school that was on a college campus. We had, just, high school dorms, and we took classes that were, that would give us our high school diplomas, but, also, a lot of them were college level. Some of them were even, we even took them at the college with the college students and, so, a lot of people who graduated, if their credits transferred, could graduate as, like, a second semester sophomore when they graduated high school because they had all these college credits. So, yeah, I lived there, I lived on campus in the high school dorm, they had a high school boys’ dorm, high school girls’ dorm. And the high school girls’ dorm was within walking distance to the campus apartments, and my best friend’s boyfriend lived in the campus apartments. 

14:08: Now, we did have a curfew and everything. At this time, I did not identify as bisexual, pansexual, nothing. I thought I was straight, and I just, you know, girls were fun. And I had an emotional connection with them, and I wanted to kiss them and do other things with them. But I was straight. So, yeah, so, me and this friend, since we lived in the same dorm, and, you know, after curfew we could go wherever in the dorm we wanted. I, we, spent the night in each other’s rooms a lot. And I remember she taught me this trick with cell phones and, back then, we had them big bulky Nokia phones. Or maybe you had a flip phone, if you was fancy, a BlackBerry, if you was real fancy, but yeah. So, she taught me this trick with the phone where you, you know, when you go and you look for a ringtone and then you set the vibration and you can vibrate and you can put the phone in your crotch and it’ll vibrate and, yea. So, she taught me that trick, and we would do that to each other and then, one day, she asked me if I wanted to go with her to her boyfriend’s house and have a threesome. And, so, I was like, you know, cool, I’ll do it. I guess I was pretty, you know, open to a lot of things. I still am, so, went to her boyfriend’s apartment, and we did the do, we had a little threesome. And then, a couple weeks later, her boyfriend hits me up. And he’s crying and I’m, like, “Dude, what’s up?” He said, “I think that she is in love with you and not me.” And I was like, homie, well, one, I don’t think that and, two, even if she is, she ain’t with me, she with you. Y’all still together, she still goes to see you all the time. We spend time together like, yeah, we spend like almost every night together whatever, whatever but, like, she with you. You’re the one that she chose. So, why, I don’t understand why you crying to me, you still got her. I ain’t taking her from you, yea, me and her can have what we have, and y’all can have what you have. And, clearly, she love you or something cuz she still with you. 

16:33: I remember that and I think that should have been my first indication that I was non-monogamous because I really did not care, and I really was like we could still do this thing. There’s no issue if she feels that way, there’s no reason why she can’t feel it for me and for you, and we just chill. And then, let’s see, and then I went to college, and, at college, I joined a Christian sorority and while I was in this Christian sorority, I was definitely fucking, y’all. All the time. I would talk to my mentor in the organization, I would talk to other folks in the organization and be like, “Can y’all pray for me, because, once again, I have backslidden, and I have fallen under the clutches of the devil and had the sex.” All the time. They was tired of praying for my ass because I did not know how to stop having sex, y’all. It was all, you know, NSA, no strings attached, whatever, but I was doing it. And then I met this dude who was in the brother fraternity to my sorority, and we started dating and this is, I was 100% monogamous with him, although, he told me that I was emotionally promiscuous [laughs]. Yo, I tell you what, listen, Christian dudes be making some shit up, I tell you. He told me I was emotionally promiscuous because I had folks that I had close emotional bonds with and maybe I should just focus on him, and he be my main emotional bond. And I’m just like, why, these are my friends, what?  He even told me, at one point, that people would think that I was gay if I kept acting the way I did around my best friend. Which is very interesting because, at this point, I kind of was leaning towards being like, “Well, I guess I’m Bi”. And told him that, and he knew this, and he still said, “People gon’ think you gay if you holding her hand and talking to her like that and y’all be giggling and y’all see each other every day.” Like, craziness, so, I was basically like, “If you’re asking me to give her up, then you can go.” We don’t have to date. I don’t have romantic feelings for her, but I also don’t need romantic feelings for you, if you gonna be an asshole about it. So, we did not break up then, we broke up later for other reasons. It was not a great fit, obviously. 

19:30: So, yeah, and then, soon after we broke up, I was, I also at that time had a lot of things going on, some trauma from my past popped up. Not due to anything that I did because I buried that shit down deep, but some folks who traumatized me popped up in my life and sent me messages and shit. And I, you know, spiraled and got depressed, at this time I got diagnosed with depression and shit. And, so, yeah, this was around, and we broke up also, it was around my birthday. We broke up around my birthday, I withdrew from school, around my birthday, and started going to therapy [hm, hm, hm]. Looking for a therapist, it’s hard, y’all. And so, on my birthday, which I take as my new year, is also very close to New Year’s. I take it as my new year, and I make New Year’s resolutions on my birthday and, when all this shit had happened, I told myself: I’m gonna live my life for me. I’m going to find out who I am, and I’m going to act on it. I’m gonna be that person and part of being that person was embracing my sexual nature. I put an ad on Craigslist where I said, “Hello. I just want somebody to eat my pussy and then take me home or go home. If you’re up for this, and you live in the, in northeast DC area, hit me up.” I picked the first person who answered because, why not. He seemed cool, and he was cool, he’s really nice. He picked me up down the street from my house, ’cause I didn’t want him to know exactly where I lived, and I went to his house. He had a puppy, that was great, he had a space heater going on in his bedroom, that was great, cuz my birthday, like I said, it’s near Christmas. Got in, and we talked for a bit, he gave me some tea and then, you know, took off our clothes, he ate me out, and then I fell asleep, and we fell asleep, cuddled up in his bed, this stranger, and, in the morning, he made me breakfast and then took me home. And I was like, wow, there are really people out here who would do that. He was a Black journalist, and he had, he was so interesting, SO interesting, and I loved it. We, he and I would not talk, really, outside of any time that we saw each other, we would just hit each other up whenever we wanted some and, eventually, we did have, you know, like penetrative sex, and it was also very good. And, yeah, we would hit each other up anytime that we was in the mood, and it was the same thing every time. He picked me up, he lived like 5 minutes away too, it was great. He would pick me up, and we would go back to his house. I’d play with his puppy, we would eat, we would have sex. In the morning, he would either drive me home or I would take the bus back home by myself to my house, depending on if he had to work or not. ‘Cause, at this time, I was an independent contractor doing graphic and web design, so I worked from home. So, yeah, it was great, a lot of fun. 

23:02: Also, during this time, I, you know, cultivated relationships with some other folks. There was another dude in my org who was, you know, cool. Me and him talked, occasionally. We didn’t really talk about big things, we just talked about the little things that happen during the day and, I don’t know how it happened, but we just would call each other like, “How was your week?” Like, he would call me and be like, “My workday was shit” and then just start talking to me about how his workday was f-ed up. Or he would call me and be like, hey, I have a question because I said ‘this and this’ to this girl and ‘this and this’ happened, whatever. And I would call him, well, I wouldn’t call him, I would text him because I don’t really like phone calls. But, you know, he always called me, and I just will pick up, and he mostly wanted to talk anyway, so it was cool. He didn’t really do the text thing, so I would text every once in a while, but then, once, I was like, “Hey, I’ll come up your way.” Took the train up to him and hung out that weekend, and, we had sex, and it was cool. I told the other dude about it, and he was like, “Oh, good for you.” I was like, yeah, and I knew the other dude, the first dude, he was, you know, having sex with other people. We really just had an NSA thing going on and then I told this dude about it, he was like, “That’s cool because, you know, I’m also seeing other people.” And I’m like, alright, cool and him and I were really good friends. At one point, he got a girlfriend and then he still wanted us to be doing stuff which, at the time, I was like, “whatever, that’s your girl, your business, and for you to figure out what the fuck you doing.” I don’t do that now but, you know, whatever. 

24:47: Anyways, yeah, so, we, uh, so, him and I had a little thing going on and, you know, his and, it’s crazy because his friends knew me, even whenever he got a girlfriend, his friends knew me. We hung out, they thought I was cool. I would go places with him and his friends. Like, we went to the strip club together and shit. And it was just real cool and, you know, every time I went to see him, I ended up going to see him like every other weekend and, when I went to see him, we didn’t, like, we didn’t always have sex. But we did a lot, he taught me a lot of things because he also was the person that taught me that it’s ok to direct somebody. ‘Cause he straight up directed me. One time I was giving him a handjob, he was like, “Ok, look. Do it like this.” He legit just showed me how to do it. And that’s, the way that he did was very direct but, also, not mean. I don’t think directness is mean, but it was cool, and I was like oh, so, it’s ok to, like, just tell somebody what it is that you want, how you want it. And it’s ok to make things better and not just lay there or not just, you know, just think that, if you are really compatible, you would know what to do. So, yeah, that was cool and then, I also started seeing [chuckles] this other dude in New York. And, so, when I say I went to see my other dude every other weekend, it’s because those other weekends I was in New York seeing this one dude. And, yeah, so, I was having the time of my life or whatever. 

26:26: I eventually stopped seeing the dude in New York, and I was just, and, eventually, I stopped seeing the other dude that stayed 5 minutes from me. Our lives just got, you know, separated. Let’s rewind for a bit because I forgot to mention something before. Sometime shortly after I made that resolution to myself, I met this woman. Actually, rewind even further back, I met this man. I met this man, and I just liked the thrill of being with him because he was, like, a lawyer or something. And we would go to his office and do stuff after hours, because of the thrill of it, and he liked the thrill of it or whatever. And the first time that I met him, he told me that he used to be with a woman who looked like me. He was like, “She looks like you, she’s like a smaller version of you” or whatever. He’s, he was a white dude, and I’m a black woman, so I’m just like, “Ok, dude, whatever you say.” But then, one day, he hit me up and said, “Hey, hey, the chick I was telling you about hit me up and asked if I wanted to hang out. And I told her about you, and I showed her a picture of you, and she wants to meet you, do you wanna meet her?” You know, I wasn’t doing nothing that night, so I was like, “Sure, yeah, I’ll meet her.” So, he pulls up in front of my house and out of his car pops this tiny, tiny woman who would be my girlfriend for some years. She was five feet, if that, never made it to 100 pounds and she was from Togo, so she had, like, you know, a French accent ’cause it’s a French speaking country. Which was great for me because I needed some practice because I’m from Louisiana, and I learned French and I was getting out of it and then- I’m not really good at retaining languages so, while with her, I knew French and, now, not so much. 

28:41: But, anyway, she popped out the car, and she goes, “Wow, you’re so tiny.” He showed her a picture of me and, I have long limbs, so she thought I was super tall. Was not. We went to a bar, and her and I talked and talked and talked had so much in common. Then, we went to his office, and we went to a conference room, and he was like, “Oh, yeah, y’all stay here.” And her and I started making out and doing stuff on the conference room table and then, he walked in, and she was like, “Oh, you’re still here.” So, he just sat down in the chair, sighed, because he thought he was about to get him a little threesome, he did not. And then eventually we had to go, and she wanted me to come back to her, we got in a taxi, and she wanted me to come back to her apartment with her. And I think that first night I said no and the next time we hung out, I went to her apartment with her. Yeah, and so, I rewound back to say that that happened. So, her and I had a little on again/off again thing so, while I was seeing these three dudes, I was also seeing her whenever she was around. Now, back to where I was at. I was no longer seeing two folks. I was still seeing the dude in Baltimore and, one night, the chick called me. And she was back in town, wanted to hang out, was super drunk. I did not want to hang out because I was tired, I was in my sweats and my crocs, hair tied up, ret to go to bed, but she said, “I wanted to party a little bit more, so I had this hotel but they threw me out the hotel and now I’m on the streets of DC, and I don’t know where I am.” [Sighs] 

30:36: So, I took a taxi to where she described, picked her drunk ass up, brought her back to my apartment. And while we were there, she realized that, oh no, she can’t find her wallet. And her wallet had all her money and her passport and all this in there. And she was an international student, she was on a visa, had a visa, everything. And, so, I was like, “Look, we’ll just retrace your steps tomorrow, I just cannot.” And she was like, “No, no, no, no, I have a friend, and he’ll know what to do. And so, she called this dude, who comes into my house, who comes up to my house, he didn’t come inside my house. She calls this dude, he comes up to my house, and I walk outside, and I was like, “Here, here, she go. You can help her.” And he’s like, “No, you have to come with me because she is drunk.” And I was like, “Ok, fine.” I didn’t try and change clothes or nothing. Went, walked around, couldn’t find her shit, but did take note of where we went, and then, whenever we pull back up to my house, she wanted to party. I wanted to go to sleep, so I left her with him. The next day, he calls me because she gave him my number because he was interested. He calls me, asks me out on a date, I say sure. So, our first date we went to, we were supposed to do something, but we ended up going to one of his friend’s studios for a music video because he had this car that they wanted to feature in a music video, and we ended up staying there all night. To make it up to me, that we didn’t have the day we planned, he asked me if I wanted to go to this hotel party with him. I’m like, “Sure, I’ll go to a hotel party.” 

32:16: What this man did not tell me is that this hotel party was actually a swinger party, a hotel takeover. And the first part of the party in the ballroom, cool, dancing. I met this chick who seemed to be very into me and said, “Hey, these drinks cost too much. You wanna go upstairs and, you know, you can have drinks in our room?” I was like, “Yeah girl, let’s do it.” And her man came up and my date, [chuckles], came up and, next thing I know, we’re in her room. And we got some wine but then, also, she’s like kissing me and I, yeah, hell yeah, cool. Dude says something about he don’t know if there’s some condoms, my date is like something, something, condoms. They walk out the room. By the time they get back, me and her is finished, and I’m like, I wanna dance some more. So, I go downstairs, thinking that that’s just a fluke. Like, yeah, we just, it’s just, I saw this person who was hot, she thought I was hot, we did a little do, and whatever, whatever. Nah. At the end of the party, they was like, “Upstairs is the afterparty.” I’m like woop, woop, woop, afterparty. Go upstairs, there’s, like, a security guard at the elevator checking wristbands. Alright, I guess. Turns out, they had the whole floor ’cause this is how they used to do the hotel takeovers: they had the whole floor and that only the people who were part of the swingers group could get on the floor. So, we go on the floor and, doors are open, and people is fucking. And I’m like what, what, what? Dude is like, “Are you good? Are you good? If you don’t, if you feel uncomfortable, we can leave.” Which I should’ve know was a red flag at the time, but I was just too excited and, also, I was dumb. So, yeah, I had a good ass time at that party. He taught me about swinging, I didn’t know that it was real, thought it was just in movies and shit. So, he taught me about swinging. I told the dude I was seeing in Baltimore about it, and he was like, “Oh, that sounds interesting. I wanna go to one of them parties.” I did, eventually, invite him to a couple of them, and he had a good time. 

34:25: Alright, so, dude who had me at the swingers parties, he, him and I started, like, dating for real. Eventually, he proposed and, when he propose, I went to the dude in Baltimore I was like, “Oh, I have to tell you something.” He said, “I have to tell you something too” and “You go first.” So, I went first. I was like, “Oh, so and so proposed, and I said yes.” And he was like, “Oh.” I said, “Well, you don’t sound happy for me.” He said, “Well, I was going to tell you that I broke up with my girlfriend so I can be with you.” And I was like, “That makes no sense because you want one person, you want to be monogamous, and I don’t think that that’s what I want.” And he was like, “Yeah, I think we should stop what we’re doing”, he said, “because you’re getting married and that means something.” And I was like, it don’t, I mean, it don’t mean shit to me. We could still have what we have and me an ol’ dude will have what we have and me and my girl, will have what we have. So…but he didn’t feel like that. That’s because he’s monogamous and he was, for him, he was dating around until he found the person. So, ended up not seeing him anymore, but I had all these other folks where it was super casual. Now that we were, you know, it was swinging but there was folks that I eventually got emotional connections with. Although I didn’t have, necessarily, a romantic relationship with them, which makes a lot of sense to me, now, because I discovered that I’m on the aromantic spectrum, so it makes sense to me that, you know, I didn’t- I had emotional connections with a lot of folks and didn’t have that romantic connection with them. Even though we was having sex and, with some of them, I was having sex with them pretty regularly. 

36:11: Alright, so, at a party that my ex-husband, ’cause he is my ex-husband now, took me to, they had a level that was for kink, and I had a great old time in that level. Also, was a whole lot of black folks on that level, and they were great. They were so nice, and they were so sweet to me and, afterwards, they were like, “Are you on Fetlife?” I said, “No, but I’ve heard of it.” They said, “You should join.” So, I joined and, while I was on Fetlife, I learned a whole bunch. Y’all, I learned a lot, and Fetlife is a cesspool, yes, it is, but they also have some great discussion groups on it.  You just have to find the right ones where they actually discuss shit. It was great, I learned a lot about non-monogamy, I learned a lot about polyamory, I learned a lot about kink, and it was around this time, when I found Fetlife, that I realized that I was non-monogamous, that I was polyamorous. You think I would know that by this time because I had relationships, at this point I had a relationship with this woman and then with my fiancé. I wouldn’t say that this woman was my girlfriend yet. We saw each other regularly and we had sex regularly. We talked regularly, we talked about big things, we had an emotional connection. I think there was a romantic connection there too, but she was…I won’t put people business out but like, you know, she was an alcoholic and also had bipolar disorder, so it was very difficult for me to engage with her because my father has both of those conditions, which is why I recognized it in her but she did not get diagnosed with this until after we had officially decided to date. 

38:10: Alright, so, got married, I’m learning shit on Fetlife, I met this dude at a swingers club. Actually, I met his girlfriend, who had a newspaper skirt on- it was real cute and made out with her at the bar. And I really, really wanted to talk to her. She had just got a new phone, didn’t remember her number, so she was just like, “Hey, here’s my boyfriend, put your number in his phone.” And, you know, whatever. So, him and I exchanged numbers. Turns out that she was one of those, what are, I don’t know what they’re called whenever it is just, like, straight women who like to make out with folks when they drunk? She was one of those and so, when I tried to hit him up, I tried to talk to her and he was like, “Oh, well, you know…” He explained it to me, I was sad. But he was like, “Hey but I’m interested though. What’s up with you, what are you reading?” Which is a very great question to ask me ’cause I love to talk about those things, and he was reading The Phantom Tollbooth at the time, and I like that book, a lot, because there’s a lot of pun, there’s a lot of word, there’s a lot of fun word things in that book. Ok. So, we met up, started talking about books and eventually we started dating. Alright, cool, bet. And while I was on Fetlife, I met this man who, we were in a few groups together- horror movie group, daddy-baby girl group, lots of things. He sent me a message, eventually, and was just like, “Hey, been peepin you in the group, I been peepin you in the groups, also, love your profile do you date older men? And I’m like, “Well, according to your profile, my fiancé is older than you.” Actually, I think he was my husband at this time, whatever, “And he’s older than you.” And, so, he was like, cool, and then we talked. 

40:03: We talked, we talked, we talked for a long time just online. And then, eventually, we had our first date and we had sex on the first date. And, yeah, and we became partners. After we started dating, there was a party he wanted to go to, and it was one of those swingers parties where single men can’t come, which is whack, but my friend, she was in town again, and I said, “I think that she will let, you know, you be her date for you to come to this thing.” And, of course, he was like, because he’s a gentleman, I say “of course” like y’all know but y’all don’t know. He was like, “Well, maybe we should meet first.” So, they met, they hit it off, they started dating and, when they started dating, he’s like, “You know, she’s really in love with you.” And I was like, “I guess.” Because she, to me, she didn’t show it. And then, eventually, she came to me and said, “Yeah,” And, so, her and I officially became girlfriends and then, this was my really first triad because, oh. And while I’m here, I’m going to say this: people say it’s pronounced “try-add”, well, y’all gon hear me pronounce it “tree-add” because that’s the way I like to pronounce it, and that’s the way my mouth does, it does that. I pronounce some things a certain way and, if you know what the hell I’m talking about, I’mma keep saying it, ok? Also, I feel like, I feel like I got a little country right there whenever I, whenever I got upset, whatever. So, back to the story. 

41:41: So, yeah, I did that, what was it, was it where we at- Oh, so, that was my first triad, yes. So, at this point, I’m still learning shit, I’m still figuring out how I want to, you know, organize my life. Oh, I forgot, somewhere within there was some dude who wanted to teach me how to be a good submissive, and him and I dated, and he even moved in with me and my husband and he was a piece of shit, and we broke up. Eventually, I broke up with all of these people that I’m mentioning here, except for the one that I met on Fetlife. We’re still together. And I learned a lot of things, a lot of things along the way. For instance, relationship anarchy. The first time I heard this, I was like wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, that’s me. ‘Cause I just believe that all my relationships are important. And I have spent most of my life with folks telling me that I seem like I am abnormally close to my friends. That I show them affection that should be reserved for romantic partners, that I do things for them that should be reserved for romantic partners and that they do things for me that should be reserved for romantic partners, but I don’t think that’s true. To me, there’s nothing that is reserved for romantic partners other than romantic feelings. But actions? Actions just show that I care, that’s it. There’s no action that means one thing or another, to me. If I feel a type of way, I’m going to tell you that I feel that way and then show you that I care by doing things that make you feel cared for. 

43:38: So, if one of my friends is having a bad day and the way that they feel cared for is chocolates and flowers, I’mma buy them some damn chocolates and flowers. I don’t care if somebody thinks that that’s supposed to be something that’s reserved for a romantic relationship. No, because I have romantic partners who don’t like flowers. I have romantic partners who don’t like chocolate and, eventually, like, after reading about relationship anarchy and realizing that this is something that I feel very strongly about, that one of the reasons I didn’t want to get married is that it’s like you sign away all these rights to this one person, but I wanted to give certain things to certain people and certain things to other people. It’s the reason that I’m not getting married again unless, well, I’m not gonna say that [chuckles], here, on the public domain. But it’s the reason I don’t really want to get married again is because I want to give folks the rights that I want to give them. To match up with our compatibilities. To give, for certain folks to be beneficiaries for one thing and other folks be beneficiaries to another thing. For certain folks to have power of attorney or to be able to view my health records and not other folks. Like, I want to be able to pick and choose cherry pick, like, just really tailor that shit for me. And, also, tailor my relationships and not have the expectation that, if you are this one thing, then that means you have to do this, this, this, and this. No, you are, you like what you like, and I like what I like, and we meet at those intersections and that’s what we do. So, anyways, fast forward, fast forward. Fast forward to now. I’ve had breakups, I’ve had protective orders, I’ve had bad sex, good sex, realizations about myself, realizations about the local community, the local polyamory community, and local kink community, local non-monogamous community. I’ve learned so much, and I can’t wait to share it all with you. 

45:51: I do want to talk about my current relationship configuration because I’m probably not going to explain it in any further episodes, I’m just going to talk about the folks in my life and, so, yeah. So, here is a little rundown. So, I already mentioned Daddy who I’ve been with for seven years. We live together and, since Valentine’s Day is today, I’ll also talk about the views on Valentine’s Day because people do ask about, like, “Oh, what happens in polyamory on Valentine’s Day?” Whatever the hell you want, y’all. So, me and Daddy usually celebrate Valentine’s Day. Oh, personal thing for Valentine’s Day: I don’t care. I could celebrate it; I cannot celebrate it. It really is whatever the other person wants to do. If it was up to me, I probably wouldn’t celebrate it. I celebrated it religiously growing up just because I was told that’s what you were supposed to do. Also, the aesthetics of Valentine’s Day is very cute. I like it. I had lots of Galentine’s Day parties, I had lots of Friendingtimes parties, so, yeah. So, I am neutral, really, about Valentine’s Day. So, yeah, and, so, me and daddy together, like I said, together seven years. We have a kink relationship, if you couldn’t tell. We celebrate Valentine’s Day together. He likes Valentine’s Day, he likes lots of sappy things, and I love him for it. I have another partner who, what shall we call these folks? I need to think of nicknames for my partners so that we can…Oh! I have nicknames for them, and I will just call them that! Silly. 

47:50: Ok, anyways, so, I have my other partner, Demon, and Demon is…how long we been together now? Four years? Almost on the dot ’cause our anniversary was two days ago. He hates Valentine’s Day, so we don’t celebrate it. Did I say we live together? Yeah, we live together. We just moved in together right before the pandemic, whereas me and Daddy have been living together, I don’t know, man, since 2016, probably. End of 2016 or 2017, so, one of those years we moved in together 2016 or 2017. So, we’ve been living together since then, and Demon moved in with the two of us right before the pandemic. Ok, alright, and then we have my other partner, Aves, we, also, will be celebrating our 4th anniversary later on this year. They, I actually don’t know, I think that they, I don’t know if they hate it, but I know that they don’t care about it, so we don’t celebrate Valentine’s together. And, also, no, they do not live with me, they live about 40 minutes, or so, away with another partner. Alright, so, then my other partner, Kitten. We’ve been together for almost two years now, we made it official during the pandemic. I love her. She loves any day that’s about celebrating love, celebrating her [laughs], and I do love to spoil her, so I’m good with it. So, any occasion in which she can be celebrated and spoiled is an occasion that she wants to be celebrated and spoiled and that’s what baby gets. What baby wants; baby gets. I have another partner who I have romantic feelings for, but we do not have a sexual relationship and that’s my little Gremlin. And she does not celebrate Valentine’s Day, she thinks it’s a vile holiday. [laughs] And I’m pretty sure that she’s gonna be celebrating Valentine’s Day by listening to this episode because, when I talked about it, she was like, “The only good thing that [mumbles and laughs] — that’s the only good thing on that day!” [laughs] Yeah, she has other partners or whatever. 

50:30: Alright and, so, next, my platonic partners. I’ve known these people since 2007/2008. So, nearly 15 years now, and they have my entire heart. I talk about everything with them, I got some of them listed as beneficiaries, like, we have a really deep emotional connection. We have De, who, I love them. They’re my fave, I don’t know what else to fucking say. They’re amazing and they help me out a lot. The best. We also have Mikki, damn, who is probably the first out of all of these, out of all of my platonic partners, yes, out of all my platonic partners, is the one who I met first. She’s great, helps me with legal shit all the time. We got Keke, and Keke is a southern gal like me. And I love her. Oh, wait, let me- I’m supposed to be talking about Valentine’s Day. Alright, shit. De, I think is pretty neutral about Valentine’s Day but celebrates it. Mikki, I think, is…huh. She does give us Galentine’s Day gifts every year, but I think without anything else she is, she would be pretty neutral about it but also loves any occasion in which she gets pampered. Keke is a romantic, loves romance novels, and I am certain is in love with Valentine’s Day. Am I certain, certain about? No, but if she said that she hated Valentine’s Day, I would think…I don’t know, I don’t think that would be true and I think the only reason would be because, you know, ain’t nobody get her nothing not because she, like, hates the actual holiday. Alright and then, we have Charlie. And Charlie is the only one of my platonic partners who is extroverted. Wow! That’s insane because…ok, I’ll talk about that later. Yeah, yeah, Charlie. Charlie likes Valentine’s Day Charlie, celebrates Valentine’s Day, Galentine’s Day, loves everything to do with love and demands to be pampered on Valentine’s Day. 

52:48: Alright, so, now y’all know all my partners. I have four romantic and sexual partners, one romantic non-sexual partner, and four platonic partners. What I was going to say earlier is that it’s really funny that, of my platonic partners, only one of them is extroverted because, of my romantic and sexual partners, only one of them is introverted. Which is, I’m not going to say it causes problems for these other folks to be extroverted, but I will say that it sometimes is interesting to see the coping mechanisms that have cropped up during the pandemic. Because I have been largely ok, and my other partner, who is an introvert, and also my platonamour, which is what I call [laughs] that’s what I call my little Gremlin, my platonamour, we’ve been largely good. Whereas my other folks have struggled a bit. 

54:02: Alright, thank you guys so much for listening. This episode was really off the cuff, I didn’t have no notes no nothing, child. Nothing. I just, straight off the dome, recorded this because it was just my story, and I feel like, that maybe I skipped some stuff. I feel like, maybe, I glossed over some areas and that’s ok because we will be coming back to that in episodes to come on all of the things. All of the things that I learned as I’ve been on this journey into realizing my true self. In the next couple episodes, I’m going to talk about my personal journeys and a couple of areas that are important to me. And also give a “Non-Monogamy 101” talk in which I’m probably going to, like, I don’t know, talk about the questions I get all the time. I’m gonna answer the questions that I got over the week because, last week, February 7th through the 13th is Polyamory Week and, during that time, I usually take questions from the class [laughs] and ask them what are some things you wanna know about non-monogamy. And so, I’m going to answer those questions as long, as well as other things that I get a lot in that “Non-Monogamy 101” episode. So that will be, probably, episode 4. Yeah, that’s it. I don’t have nothing else to say. Thanks so much for listening. I hope you come back; I hope that you got something out of this. Even if it was just a laugh. If it was you learning more about tea because, baby, I am always here to teach folks about tea. Yes. I love it. Yeah, and, then, and that’s it. And that’s that on that. 

55:57: [Sunny Dee Theme Plays]

56:01: This podcast was produced, mixed, recorded by me: Sunny Dee. Theme song mixed by Jamiel Callaway-Pinckney. This episode was transcribed by Some Random Person, AKA The Fugitive Doctor. Thank you to all of my generous Patreon subscribers. If you wanna become a patron, go to patreon dot com slash sunny dee, with two E’s, pod (patreon.com/sunnydeepod) or you can search Sunny Dee. Feel free to join our Facebook group, Sunny Dee Pod, and also like and follow my page, Sunny Dee. You can find me on Instagram @SunnyDeePod, on TikTok @sunnydeeminx and my ratchet ass Twitter @lilwildminx. 

And that’s it. 

Stay Foxy, y’all. 

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