Mental Health · Miscellaneous · Relationships


Sometimes, I feel really alone.

Not lonely. I have so many lovely people in my life who I’m close to that I feel comfortable going to for most things. And to be honest, I do like being alone – I cherish my alone time when I don’t have to be aware and considerate of other’s in the space.

But I sometimes feel alone. Simply put, it’s hard to chat with non-polyamorous (or even those who are non-monogamous but are hierarchical), male, straight, or non-Black folk about problems as a queer, black, non-hierarchical relationship anarchist. To clarify: I’m not saying I don’t know any other relationship anarchists, or women, or queer people, or other Black folk, or non-hierarchical polyamorous people. I know all those types of people; but I don’t know any fellow queer, Black, RA, non-hierarchical, practicing ethical non-monogamists. And sometimes the emotions that I feel about a situation are tied to my worldview as ALL of those things, and I don’t have the energy to fully explain why. 

It just would be nice to meet someone like that, where I can say something and they look at me silently – understanding the subtleties of how it is affecting me in several ways because of their own experiences, and not just cuz I’ve told them or someone else like me has told them before.

Now, of course, even if I met this person, we may not have much else in common because of upbringing, past experiences, personality quirks, interests, etc. And I do go to the people that I know when things come up and I need perspective or advice or just an understanding ear. I know I have people who understand certain aspects of how I’m feeling, or who – even if they don’t understand – are there to provide me with support. I’m blessed in that area and I appreciate and cherish them so much.

But sometimes, I will start to say something to my tribe but I stop because I don’t feel like explaining why I feel so passionately about or was so hurt because of something as a non-hierarchical polyamorous person. Not that I don’t trust them or want to tell them, I just can’t generate the things I need to explain my perspective without being exhausted. Same goes when I talk to some polyam friends who are straight. Or to my white male partners. Sometimes I want to vent, or feel some actual empathy, or ask for advice BUT I know I would end up having to over-explain because I know that my identity as all 4 of those things are linked to the feels I’m getting.

I just sometimes wish there was someone who I could talk to without first explaining the nuances of each element listed above of me and how it affects and colors my feelings, interpretations, reactions.

For now, I just shake off that feeling of isolation and prepare myself to open up to my amazing support network – hoping that I have enough juice to delve into explanations if I must, or go and connect with my people separately where we individually intersect.


Leave a Reply