Polyamory · Relationships

peeping toms

I know some people wonder if I’m polyamorous because of my divorce (obviously these are people who don’t know me, because I was open/polyam before I even met my husband). And I’ve heard, not to my face of course, that our relationship was doomed to fail because it was open. Hell, my ex created an entire website outlining how me being polyam was the cause of our split (conveniently leaving out both his history of swinging/openness and his manipulative and borderline abusive actions towards me in this account of events). Of course none of these reasons are true; we broke up because we were incompatible, as simple as that – I said that when I left him and I’ll continue to say it instead of pointing fingers. We both did things the other could not tolerate, and whether we were monogamous or polyamorous when these things occurred is irrelevant.

I’ve heard long debates over monogamy vs. polyamory, and which one is better. That breakups and divorces happen because a couple was monog or because a couple was polyam.

I try not to get into these debates, because I believe it is both an ingrained sense of person AND a choice. I believe that I am wired polyam, but I’ve tried monogamy before. I could try to be monogamous, but I don’t want to because I wouldn’t be happy. Whereas being polyam – even if I only have one relationship – gives me a sense of contentment because I’m being true to myself. Likewise, there are people who may have preferred being monogamous but practice polyamory for various reasons. It’s an individual thing.

And relationships are custom-made, so don’t assume you know all the reasons “why” when you’re on the outside, being a peeping Tom.

I do believe that a lot of people get married for the wrong reasons. Sometimes it’s done because you think there’s something there that there isn’t. Sometimes you fall in love with the facade the other person has put up for you but can’t maintain because they showed you what they thought you wanted instead of who they really are until they could no longer hold it up. The divorce rate is not an indication that people should be poly. It could be an indication of people making less-than-optimal choices about their mates.



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